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Why Did The Monkey Fall Out Of The Tree

2006-05-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

*Sourced from Uncyclopedia.

†Why Did The Monkey Fall Out Of The Tree

♣The primary philosophical problem of our time. First phrased in 1853 by noted Spanish philosopher-king Catherine Zeta-Jones, it took the philosophical, and primato-zoological, community by storm.

†Discovery of the Problem

♣Radley's logic went as follows. If I see a tree, and then I observe a monkey falling out of it, how can this happen? The monkey cannot be committing suicide, since if it were it would hang itself by its prehensile tail and avoid the mess of bashing its own brains out. If it were merely an accident, the monkey would be immediately disgraced amongst its peers and proceed to hang itself by its own tail, or else evolve into its Stage 2 form, homo erectus.

†A Breakthrough

♣Though Radley would not live to see it, it was realized in early late 1911 that the monkeys were already dead at the time they fell out. At first it was proposed (by Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz, among others) that the deadness and consequent falling was due to monkey-hating snipers, but the greater philosophical community rejected this solution as being 'overly mundane'.

†Known Solutions

♣Several solutions have been proposed by various schools of philosophical thought, including analytic, continental, synthetic, Classical, Oscar Wilde, and retro-promethean.

†Analytical Solutions

♣The set of all things in trees automagically excludes anything dead; hence, upon becoming dead the monkey must be expelled from the tree. This is supported by the fact that dead monkeys do not climb trees, unless they are Undead Zombies.

♣The set of monkeys fallen from trees is never a complete set, so there must always be more monkeys falling from trees. Also known as Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem.

♣For every (x)a monkey that falls from a tree, there exists (y)a tree from which a monkey has fallen; (x)is also a bald King of France.

†Continental Solutions

♣There is a false binary established in the idea of the dead monkey falling from a tree: The prospect of hitting the ground, while dead, is in true point of fact the arche-origin of the essential ontology of monkey/tree duality. Hence the tree must be deconstructed from within.

♣We can, ipso facto, upon reading the Vedas discern the absolute origin of the metaphorical structures which give rise to Übertotsfallhammerfallendsbaum, which is German for the General Dead Monkey Falling from a Tree Principle.

♣Being is in the world. This Being, being a being, is a bee. This bee is not a monkey, but rather a subconscious surrepresentation of the monkeyality. Hegel was correct in asserting that the monkey presupposed an Anti-monkey, a dead monkey, but only insofar as the objective historico-zoological monkey is actually a subjective inadvertent subtext for monkeys in the world.

†Classical Solutions

♣According to Newtonian Physics, only apples fall from trees. Therefore the monkey is an apple.

♣Heraclitus says that no man may enter the same river twice. But a dead monkey cannot climb a tree again, therefore a monkey, having died, can never fall from the same tree twice. So trees are really rivers, a fact supported by the xylem and phloem streams that move up and down its trunk and all of its branches and roots. We can perceive the branches as the tree's subsidiaries and the roots as its delta, or else in the opposite fashion if we wish the tree-river to travel from South to North, as does Denial.

♣Under a Cartesian metaphysics, the primary and fundamental truth is, I think, therefore monkeys fall from tree. Most other schools of philosophy reject this claim, however, on the grounds that it is bogus.

†The Retro-Promethean Solution

♣Ron Prometheus is the player for the Tennessee Titans who first gave mankind fire. The Retro-Promethean project, founded in the year 911 by Abdul al-Hazred, strives to solve the whole problem by giving fire to the monkeys so they can burn down all the trees. Anti-animal rights activists oppose these measures because, in the words of Ted Turner, "Monkeys with flamethrowers is effin' scary."

†The search for additional solutions

♣Freud is currently looking for a psychosomatic solution. Marky Mark simply wants to eat lunch without being harassed by dead monkeys.

†A Breakthrough from China

♣Chang, owner of a research institute in CHina has hypothesised an explanation for the falling out of the trees of many monkey's in the Pinxiang, Guinxi region of China. His research successfully demonstrated that the many of the monkey's that had fallen out of the tree were missing a brain. Local monkey farmers and Chinse Resteraunts could offer no explanation of this strange phenomennon.

The Seven Deadly Sins

2006-05-19T04:17:00.000-07:00

Note that your computer, along with online butt spanking games are a truly fantastic gift you should be thankful for every day of your LIFE. Unfortunately, there are some people out there that abuse these magnificent treasures and give online gamers a bad name.

Below is a list of the Seven Deadly Sins.

If you're guilty of any of them you should take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror and try to lead a better life. =)

GLuttony

†You're so fat you've to call your friends over for a session of LAN multiplayer gaming everytime you need to take a whizz as you can no longer get off the couch without the help of a least two people.

VAnity

†Even though you know you're going to sit in front of the computer all day long playing online games, you dress up and put on some nice aftershave and gel your hair anyway.

SLoth

†You've been playing the same online game for five months because you're too lazy to download new better ones.

LUst

†You've spent more than three hours drooling over screenshots of female Mages.

GReed

†You roam around game stores and the eBay, buying all their copies of Battlefield2 and other spanktabulous ( ok i made that up ) games, just so that no-one else will be able to enjoy its brilliance.

WRath

†You've had to buy an extra eight keyboards and mouses because you keep smashing them against the wall when you lose.

Pussy.

ENvy

†You dream about playing Xbox Live and the PS2. Obviously this is the most disgusting sin to be guilty of.

Hello There~

2006-05-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

If you guys ever meet me, you'll notice this cross I'm wearing.
The Inverted Cross.
Google it whatever it.
St. Peter's Cross.
There's another meaning to it..to all you "illiterates =.=

2 more days to Term Exam.
Wish me luck =).

Exhausted.

2006-03-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

A series of torturous exams had just ended.
lol...Back from jamming, fingers hurting =.=...
Reading some of Edgar Allan Poe's short stories....
Listening to System of a down - Aerials...
nothing much, back to jamming later.
And GunZ.

Yup.

2006-02-15T07:04:00.001-08:00

=.=..lazy to write.

lala~

2006-02-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

lol...Corpse Bride...omfg the cutest animated gal I've ever seen~~ haha...I would marry her anytime. ;)...Well, back to O2Jamming..

Eww..Latifs

2006-02-14T07:53:00.000-08:00

Late for School.
And our so-called Penolong Kanan Hal Ehwal Murid, direct translation shitface wannabe, was lectured by angry parents lol.
Parent POWER.
He felt it , and he's like all emotional during speech.
Boohoo =,(
What a lameass lol.
Quote; " Kita ( what's with the Kita? us student literally don't give a fuck )mesti menghadapi CABARAN! TEKANAN! DUGAAN! ReAggueee...."...lol as if he's been struck by multiple strokes.
And then he paused.

No I'm not fucking kidding, he PAUSED.
For quite some time.
How ironic, that he earlier bitched about how PARENTS wasted their time screwing with the school.

That ballsy.

Numbered Days

2006-02-14T07:45:00.000-08:00

Blame God.
blame the government whatever.
School's so pissing me off.
First, there's smart teachers who thinks Homework Land is the Garden of Eden, Sangri-La, a place of ideal beauty or loveliness.
Ungodly assigments by a two day period.
Omfg.
Second, bastards are accumulating this world, WHICH" two of them had been recently added into my list of "peopleigottakilloratleasthauntthemafterimdeadcoztheyaregaysorjsutplainfuckoffs.l.".

Blah~, screw this. Back to hunting informations for Biology and English bullcraps.

1st Day

2006-02-08T06:44:00.000-08:00

Sup? I decided to have one of my own ' blog ' since everyone else have one too. Nothing much to bitch about =P.